Bill Bryson

Years ago I bought a book for my older brother, “A Short History of Nearly Everything”. I’d never heard about Bill Bryson but I thought it sounded interesting and it would appeal to Brian. It was only recently that I finally started to his novels. I’ve been so focused on travel books I’ve neglected novel reading, besides, my mother picked up one of Paul’s books while she was visiting and it seemed to give her a few good chuckles. Bill Bryson quickly became one of my favourite reads and I looked forward to indulging in snippets of “Notes from a Big Country” every night before going to sleep.

Last night I dug out “A Walk in the Woods” and Bill (I feel that close to him) has shot to my favourite author by about a million miles. This novel is about his trip to the Appalachian Trail in USA.

He describes his experience of buying gear and the problem with all these techie bits that cost the earth and, to be quite honest, you hadn’t thought of having nor did you entertain the idea of doing what you could be doing if you did have them. But anyway, you buy all the bits all the same and then wonder about weight and how you will possibly fit it all into your bags – and seriously if you will ever use them at all. I was thinking “Yip, I know that feeling.”

Bill put his tent up in his house, blew up his inflatable mat and climbed into his sleeping bag. He lay there thinking how comfy it was, and later realised how mistaken he was. I did that too! Then he mentions how he loved his head torch and I though “Oh my god. I so agree!” He wrote about the books he read in preparation, in particular one about bears. I have a completely irrational fear of bears so as I read, I made mental note to never go anywhere near North America. He mentions reading with eyes as big as saucers and I though “Yes! MY eyes are as big as saucers”.

It was at this point, that I felt as if Bill Bryson and I were some how sharing this wonderful experience of preparing for the adventure of a life time, when he wrote the funniest lines I have ever read in my whole life. I laughed so hard I cried.

It's in chapter 2, about a photo in the book of four bears trying to get a food sack out of a tree that some happy camper had just fearlessly snapped.

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp?

Why, I would die, of course. Literally shit myself lifeless. I would blow my sphincter out of my backside like one of those unrolling paper streamers you get at children’s parties – I dare say it would even give a merry toot – and bleed to a messy death in my sleeping bag.”

I tell you what. That is precisely what I will be doing if I have lions prowl around my flimsy non-rip tent at night out in Africa. I have thought about this many nights staring at the ceiling in the darkness of my room after having watch “Africat” on TV.

Anyway. I have to go now as it’s getting late and I have to jump into the shower and into jammies so I can read chapter 3 before bed.